I thought I’d post the first draft of my Dickinson-inspired poem written for Response 4 here. I ended up writing something a little different, but want to preserve the first version. I hope everyone has a great weekend!
It may be Me – the Fool
Should no one take – my place –
Or should I heave the Rock – or roll it,
Beyond the bars of plywood gate
I keep in store – Your every – Joy –
My Heart – engulfed – too heavy
But still – to Jump – I fight the weight
The Bearer, and You – devoid – but Victory
I really, really love this, particularly the third line. It sort of invoked images of either Christ rolling the stone away on the third day, but also it reminds me of the myth of Sisyphus. Really really neat!
Big fan of this! I really like lines 5-7, I think the imagery of the heart and struggle to fight the weight of their joy is very powerful.
I really like this, especially the rhythm. It feels close to Dickinson’s hymn meter but keeps slipping out of it, which makes the lines feel a little strained in a good way. The sentence structure is also really interesting since everything is broken into fragments and interrupted thoughts, so it feels like the speaker is working through something heavy rather than just stating it cleanly. I also like how the word order is slightly shifted in places, which adds to that compressed, hesitant feel. It makes me wonder if the irregular meter is meant to mirror the sense of weight the speaker is carrying, since the rhythm seems to get heavier as it goes.